2017-11-03
Posted November 2, 2017 at 8:00 pm
Hey, everyone. Just a warning before you read ahead, it’s a bit dark and depressing. Anyway, I’ve been feeling like I’m losing my ability to create, or at the very least, the ability to create anything that anyone particularly cares to see or read. There was a time years ago when I felt confident to throw any of my ideas at the wall and see what stuck, and I was likewise confident that people would like and read it. Since around mid 2015 though, I’ve felt increasingly trapped and paralized by the fear of failure. I’ve watched my readership slowly drop away and even the guy who is supposed to be promoting me threw up his arms and said it’s pointless and just part of the comic life cycle. I’ve watched in horror as I make most of my income off of fewer and fewer truly devoted readers (and a big thanks there) as I have, for the second time this year, brought in less than $1000 in donations I use to pay the mortgage. This has also coincided with a move that required the purchase of a new home that pretty much exhausted my savings and left me somewhere with no local support and down the side job I used to use to plug the income holes on bad months. My plan has been and still is to bring Misfile gradually to the close I originally intended for it and then push forward into a sequel that takes place in the same universe to further flesh it out but I no longer have the confidence that anyone will care to read it when I get there. Even the majority of people I have worked with have as much as admitted that they worked with me despite of rather than because of my art. I have no idea if this week of feeling crappy is because of numbers, my ten year battle with depression or a bit of both, but I feel the need to put it out there. Please do not worry for me. This isn’t a cry for help. I am not and never have been suicidal or self-destructive. I'm just bitching online because I no longer have a local haunt to hang out in and recharge with close friends. I have a good life and good people around me and I hope to find a path back to feeling like a creator again. I just no longer have confidence in finding that path, so if I get a bit dark, or fail to return an email, sorry about that. And finally, with all the above, thank you especially to everyone still reading what I put out there and to everyone who read this pointless rant to the bottom. You’re all awesome and have made these last 13 years a pretty damn awesome ride even if that ride may eventually force the dinosaur I’ve become to find a quiet spot in the museum to retire to.